Monday, June 04, 2007

A letter to the 12-year-old me

For formality sake...

Dear De Zien,

One year has passed since mum is diagnosed with cancer. You probably still do not know what cancer is, except that cancer might take mum away from you in the near future. I know that you are very worried indeed when mum isn't as energetic as she used to be. You might even have noticed that dad has been taking leaves every now and then to take care of brother and you. You do not understand any of these and there have always been a sense of fear that mum might just leave one day for no obvious reason. It's alright, everything will work out just fine.

UPSR is coming up soon and as far as I recall, you have practically spent close to zero effort on it. Your class teacher, despite disappointed with your behavior, has a very high expectation for you. While you may not know it, your class teacher actually cares and loves you. She truly hopes for the best for you. I'm glad to say that everything works out fine in the end.

Soon enough you'll experience your first family member death. Po po will leave you soon, please treasure your time with her and do not for once be disrespectful to her. Mum will have a very tough time as the events slowly unfold, so please support her and be helpful to her as she really needs your support.

I also know that you are uncertain over the future and want to remain with your friends when you go into secondary school. Fret not, in the end it's all fine. Be thankful to dad as he put in a lot of effort to make sure that you get into the school that you want.

However, you will soon realize that not all friends are genuinely your friends. It hurts to be betrayed but it's not the end of the world. Do not dwell on it, just go out and make more friends... know that there are people who do appreciate your company out there.

Oh, you will also participate in a charity event and it is a truly unforgettable night. All the hardship that you will go through will be paid off with an immense satisfaction, and having a hoarse voice for the next few days is a small price to pay. A warning here though, you should really balance your time between the training and your studies.

As time goes on, you will go through a series of ups and downs. You will know a lot more wonderful friends, have a crush on a girl in your class and even get to perform a sketch with her. However you'll be met with disappointment when you soon realize that she already has a boyfriend. Along the way, you'll meet a few girls who will be close with you for a brief period, but never quite mature to the boy-girl relationship.

As you go into upper secondary, you'll meet a group of new friends who are distinctively different from your old friends. But I guess that's just natural of you since you've never quite had a permanent clique. Around this time, you'll experience your second family member death. This time it's Dai Gu, she is diagnosed with lung cancer and her lungs collapse on the night she passed away. It's a heartache to see her suffer that way but that's how life is - not everyone gets what they want.

In upper secondary, you will constantly feel that you are underachieving academically, and rightly so too. Your overconfidence and your laziness is your bane. You'll probably wish that you have studied harder. At this stage, tuition is basically a chore. However, you will definitely enjoy your English, Malay and Physics tuition, for various reasons. And once again, you will have a huge crush on an Indonesian girl, but never quite dare to make the move.

You will also be involved in the production of the school magazine, which is a truly enlightening experience. Best part is, you get permission to skip class whenever you want and no one can question you!

Oh, you'll also experience your first encounter with CID during a police raid. For the first time since primary school, you'll see mum cry. It is heartbreaking to watch her cry so to you I can only say this, go home as soon as possible after tuition.

Oh yes, regarding the piano lessons... you will eventually lose interest but I sincerely hope that you will persevere. You may not know it now but piano has always serve as an escape from your life. The talent is there, you even created your own simple tune, remember? I truly hope that you will not waste your talent and continue.

College life is a total 360 degrees change in environment, with totally new friends and new learning experience. At this point, you'll truly appreciate driving experience(and even getting your first wheelspin!) and love the car that has been faithful to the family since you're Standard 1. You will enjoy most of your college life but hear me out, take things easy. Do not pressure yourself too much despite underachieving most of the time. In the end, everything will be just fine.

And come to university, you would've never even dreamed of this... OVERSEAS. Okay, maybe oversea is the better word. There is a fair share of ups and downs but hey, there can't be ups when there aren't downs. =)

After reading all those, you'll probably be wondering what nonsense I'm blabbering throughout. The fact that your english level is horrible also doesn't help. You're more concerned with watching the cartoons after school ends and eating the snacks that you've bought in school... maybe UPSR too(but I do seriously doubt that =P). Regardless, keep this letter with you and you'll soon find out how eerily everything that is mentioned in this letter unfold itself in front of your very eyes. Hopefully with my advices, you can make wiser choices... but if you do exactly what your instinct tells you to do, that will be fine too, as you'll probably be ending up where I am now.

And you shouldn't be surprised too, after all, this is the you 8 years later writing to you.

For formality sake once again...(by now you would've noticed that I do get annoyed by certain formalities)

Yours truly,
De Zien(8 years in the future)

ps. You look much better with your hair longer... ditch the crew cut asap! =P


Elaynne said...

Wow longest letter so far!! Eh how can u reveal so much to the 12 year old U!! with deaths?? so bad la... u will scared little dee

Anonymous said...

haha yea.
freaking long.
and sooo revealing bout the 'future'.
how cann? no more surprises for the lil you.

Dee said...

Haha, actually this letter comprises of the few things that I would like to change(basically few of my regrets) if I'm given the chance to do so.

And knowing myself, it's either know all or don't know at all. Revealing slightly of an event will only make myself annoyed but possibly also make myself even more hesitant when making choices.

Besides, there are still a lot more that I haven't revealed. =D

Yi Wang said...

Best post ever!!!

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