Come Clean

This is the side of me that I've been bottling up all through the years but now I think it's best that I come clean.

I have always feared being left out and deemed unwanted. I hate to know that I'm just another face in my friends' minds and they will just forget me once we're apart.

Is it insecurity on my part? Paranoia? Maybe.

But it has been happening pretty much throughout my whole life. I've been left out in primary school, probably because I was such a crybaby back then.

I've been left out during my early years of secondary school by my 2 best friends, and probably my 2 only friends at that time. That was the worst experience I've had. To make things worse, I had to endure all their mockeries because they're my neighbours in the class. Even in my later secondary school years, some of my friends did give me the feeling that I was the outcast.

Then college...... for once I thought that I can throw away all those feelings with my newfound friends. But deep down, in all its subtlety, there were hints here and there that I was still the outcast. An incident recently while I was back in KL was particularly striking.

Really, for this to happen so many times, I can't help but ask, "What the hell is wrong with me?"

Is it because I'm unfriendly? Is it because I'm arrogant? Is it because I'm too dull a friend? Is it because I seem to like to alienate myself? I don't know...... all I know is I don't want this to happen again.

With all these experiences, it's extremely hard for me to be very close with anyone who I know. I fear that it'll be history repeating itself all over again. The scars were never healed, they just got deeper each time I went through the ordeal.

I'm not writing this to gain your pity. I'm writing this so that you can understand why I tend to keep a certain distance from you. Believe me, it's not because I hate you, it's not because I don't want to be close to you. It's just not easy for me due to my past experiences. It might be selfish of me but I need more time, I need to slowly trust again.

And I'm sorry for the sudden outburst yesterday. Those who were there, it's not your fault.